Of Innocence...and Of Experience
by Neena Jo
Summary: My first ever fanfiction...be gentle, or be brutally honest, whichever. This is a story concerning the thoughts of Tabitha and Jean, and how they contrast...I think. Anyways, f/f relationship implied and talked about, so take warning now.
1. Of Miracles...

By: Neenajo  
  
I'm told I need a disclaimer thingie ma bob: I don't own any characters named here, I am simply borrowing them. Oh, and Jerry Maguire is also not mine, it was someone else's movie made a few years back.  
  
  
  
I don't think I have ever been so happy in my life. I never really believed in fate, or miracles. Hell, I don't think I ever really believed in God for that matter. Until fate blessed me. I have a suspicion I sound just like the girls I used to make fun of…gushing over their boyfriends and the teddy bears and flowers. But now I understand all to well how it can feel.  
  
I've been with my fair share of guys. I've been called whore, slut…anything along that line you can think of. I don't know why I do it, really. Maybe…maybe I know that the physical pain that comes from being with some guys is just that…only physical. They can't break a heart they never had right? And my heart has only ever belonged to one person. Ugh, I can't believe I am such a sap at heart.  
  
Every time I passed Jean in the hallways, I would feel sick and…weak. I think that's the only way I can describe it. It took me a while, but I finally realized that SHE was the one person that could make me complete or break my heart in two. Damn it, there I go getting all Jerry Maguire again.  
  
I spent almost six months, admiring her from afar. Admittedly, I had my fair share of angst-ridden "she's-straight-she-will-never-like-you-so-just- give-it-up" moments. I mean, she had Duncan AND Scott right? Earth to Tabby.  
  
But then it happened. IT, the big fate thingie that I didn't believe in. It's hard to believe it was only 2 months ago. In a stupidly, brain-dead, lovesick moment…I wrote her a love note. And I mean, I didn't hold anything back. It came out like a bad version of "How do I love thee…" yadda yadda yadda. I even doodled cute little hearts around the border of the page. I was a moron I suppose, for even writing it, but openly? Where anyone walking by could read it? Idiot.  
  
Taryn, forever after known solely as "the bitch"- although I could go into much greater detail, how I really feel about her- snatched the note in typical high school bitch fashion.  
  
And read it.  
  
Aloud.  
  
In front of the whole lunch court.  
  
Including the girl of my dreams.  
  
I must make note now, that I didn't cry. I guess a lot of people couldn't hear it over all the noise at lunch time. But the damage had been done; word would spread. I already heard a few calls of "Lesbian," and "Queer." Not that that particularly hurt my feelings, because that is just me, it's what I am. Screw them for being bigots and not being able to handle it.  
  
What got to me was seeing Jean. I couldn't really read her expression, but it didn't look too happy. Kind of, disgusted I guess you could say.  
  
But I didn't cry; I did the next best thing. I bitch-slapped Taryn, grabbed the note and ran away. Great thinking Tabby, sure, running is going to you A LOT of good.  
  
THEN, I cried. A broken heart is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Maybe it's because I am not used to it. I don't know, but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  
  
That's when the ever present "fate" threw me for another loop. I was sitting in one of the hallways, wallowing in pity. I heard a noise, someone seating themselves next to me. When I looked up, I swear I could hear sappy music in my head, befitting of a bad, teen, coming of age movie that I seemed to have landed myself in. I almost expected her to start a heart-to-heart talk about "Everything is going to be O.K." Instead she just looked at me.  
  
I could only manage a weak, oh-so-lame "I'm sorry."  
  
I would like to say that our first kiss was perfect, like in the movies. She leaned her head towards mine…  
  
Then we just sort of collided in the middle in an awkward sort of half kiss, half accident. Well, I guess it's me that botched it up. Jean was perfect. I was nervous, surprised, psyched, etc., etc. Then she got up and said we'd talk later, and she smiled at me, and I heard that sappy music again.  
  
Now, I have a special someone. Someone I really love…a girlfriend. I almost get giddy and pass out at that word now. I remember not too long ago I was making fun of everyone for that. It's not easy, dealing with everyone's feelings about us being together. But now I am not alone, and I know we can make it through together. My Jean. My miracle. 


	2. ...Of Curses

By: Neenajo  
  
I'm told I need a disclaimer thingie ma bob: I don't own any characters named in this fiction, I am simply borrowing them.  
  
  
  
Someone, somewhere, must have a little, red-headed Jean voodoo doll, filled with pins. I've never been the superstitious type, but how else can everything be explained?  
  
I will never forget the day I became inexplicably trapped. Ostracized. Alienated. However you want to put it. I think I'm starting to sound more and more like Rogue every day. And to think I used to pity HER for being shut off from the rest of her peers.  
  
I started doubting my own sexuality shortly after 8th grade I guess. Sure, guys like Duncan can give me all sorts of physical pleasure, when they feel like it. But there's nothing else there. No sparks, or fireworks, or any number of spiritual connection you are taught you are supposed to feel. Women, on the other hand, give me the best of both worlds. A connection, some feeling. Kind of like anything a guy can do, girls can do better. Ugh, sometimes I disgust myself. Old teachings die hard I guess.  
  
I had always thought of Tabitha as kind of pretty, with a sort of "wild- girl-psychotic" appeal. I never dreamed of her liking ME.  
  
At first, I didn't even know what was going on. I heard Taryn talking kind of loud at lunch. I heard her use all sorts of mushy love terms. I also saw everyone pointing to Tabitha as if she had broken wind or something. Then I heard her mention MY name. Imagine that…what could I have to do with what was going on. Honestly, for a telepath, I can be incredibly oblivious at times. But it finally hit me, I put 2 and 2 together (duh…5?)…Tabby had written me a love poem or something.  
  
It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. It had been so long since I had felt anything lately. Anything remotely resembling love at least. Something sparked in me, and I guess that is when I lost my head. Feeling something after so long can do that to a girl I guess.  
  
A loud pop broke me away from my blank musings. I saw Tabitha run away to one of the buildings. I also saw a big reddish-pink mark starting to show on Taryn's face. I think I felt the happiest I had ever felt right then.  
  
Then a little corner of my mind kicked in, reminding me that Tabby had just run away, probably distraught. "Go get her," it seemed to be saying. So, unthinking, I ran after her. I found her in a hallway, crying. I never imagined her as the type to cry over ANYthing, I guess, so it kind of surprised me. I sat down next to her, trying to think of what to say and do through the blankness that seemed to be taking over my mind. Here was a girl, who had laid her heart bare to me- unwillingly, albeit, but still bare - crying like there would be no tomorrow to shed any more tears.  
  
She looked up at me, and I could only note how miserable she looked. I think she said something, like she was sorry. It was almost too quiet to hear. So, I kissed her. It felt so right at the time. SO good. She was a little awkward, but then again I was the one who messed the whole thing up. I don't remember it all exactly, just seeing her look surprised and realizing that finally, I found someone who might love me.  
  
And I guess that's how I became snared. Don't get me wrong, I am learning to love Tabitha. I wish I could be as brave and hopeful as she is. Everyone treats me so differently now. I used to be so popular, and now…now I have someone special but at what cost?  
  
Now I have a girlfriend, but I am all alone. Alone to face what everyone says about, even thinks about me. I'm trapped. Alone. In love with Tabby. My girlfriend. My curse.  
  
Note: Well, this is my first ever fan fiction…please be gentle. Or brutally honest. Whatever makes you happy. If you actually read this, any comments and criticisms are most welcomed. OH, and I kind of got this idea from the poet William Blake, in a general sense. The title is loosely based on his Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience. I liked the style, so decided to give it a shot (except that this obviously isn't poetry). Anyways, hope you enjoyed. 


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